Pickles, Pickles, Pickles

Off to Mandy's Graduation. Blog to follow in the next few days. Sorry to keep my loyal follower(s) waiting. But then again this is a weight blog. (I got a million of them)

Coming Soon - 2014

I was going to name this week’s blog – I blame this on Meryl - since she was away in Las Vegas forcing me (yes I said forcing me) to eat out or bring in Subway each night. When I lived alone in Brooklyn I had no problems cooking but with Roland creating bathrooms wherever he went I kept getting that old Cooking in Calcutta feeling so I had to do something different other than going to that new Dehli down the block. The result of all this was an amazing breakfast that I would have never had, an awesome cheeseburger deluxe with beer (it was an excuse to eat raw onions and not offend anyone) a visit to my good friend Nathan where I stayed too long, rotini pasta salad for lunch, (after all she was not there to remind me to take my salad in the morning) two -foot long roast beef sandwiches, a 900 calalorie meal Wednesday at Fridays, Swiss Cheese every night since I had to hide Roland's medicine in it and I couldn't let him eat it alone and only one day of exercise. Yes this was a rough week – all Meryl’s fault of course, but I still lost 2 tenth’s of a pound and that actually is progress. I then realized if my goal is to lose 50 pounds, then by early 2014 I should get there. So how could I blame Meryl for that? And for the first time in two years, I can’t even blame Roland.

My Favorite Song

The Gold Star

This was an amazing week where I really tested my theory of dieting on week days only since during the week I wasn’t perfect either. The week started off at 1 minute past midnight on Sunday morning at White Castle, continued to an all day non stop eating festival on Mother’s Day and ended with crackers all week long. I am doing well with my daily bars for breakfast, turkey salad for lunch and chicken burgers and vegetables at night. The only bad part about it is the part where everyone, who could lose a pound or two themselves, tells me that eating the same thing every day is boring. Apparently what they eat is exciting. I want to tell them that I know so many boring people in this world that I have been conditioned to accept boredom in the same way that I accept air, involuntarily, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings since boring people are usually insecure as well. Now you might say that by blogging about this here I am telling that to them indirectly, but by reading my blog you automatically remove yourself from the valley of the boring, so none of this applies to any of you (with just a couple of exceptions).

But I digress. The problem I had this week (besides an amazing half sandwich from Farmer Joel’s) was crackers. Dinner, while decent, was not filling enough so I went hunting for something extra in the house. Something like my mother used to do before Passover. Again I digress. Since I got rid of all the potato chips, ice cream and pretzels, I had to find something and I came across the always boring Keebler’s crackers. On Tuesday I had five, Wednesday 10 and on Thursday I had so many that I dropped half the pack since I couldn’t carry them all. Roland ended up having 15, (By the way is anyone interested in a cracker eating dog?). Since my weigh in was Saturday and almost certain ridicule from my exciting friends awaited me on Monday I avoided the crackers like a plague Friday night. It was pure torture. Well Saturday did come finally and I actually lost 1.2 pounds with my boring work week food and crackers. All told I lost five pounds in two weeks and WeightWatchers gave me a gold star. Some people crack themselves up, it looks like I cracked myself down. And next week I am going to get real serious. But that will only happen if I find some serious exciting snack food for the evening.

Yo Rosie

Well my good friend Rosie (no not the one who lives in Corona but the one from LIC) got mad at me for not mentioning her in my blog. I tried to explain to her that this was a food only blog, but fat chance that she would buy that. So even though I can’t even think of a connection here to food I just wanted to say - Yo Rosie!!!

Speaking about this blog Danielle called me to have to dinner tonight on the condition that I didn’t mention her in my blog (How can one person know two such polar opposite people?) but I told her that there was no way I could do that and she accepted that. Meryl met us and we went to the Cheese Cake Factory in another test of my will power. Last week’s "eat out" menu had the words “Diet Delight” on it which was horrible enough but this menu was even worse. They actually had a selection called “Weight Management Grilled Chicken” which turned out to be grilled chicken, tomatoes and leaves. Meryl said it was Arugula but believe me it was nothing more than leaves and I don’t mean something with a leafy substance I mean something that Smokey the Bear would step on while putting out a forest fire. Nothing like eating chicken and leaves for dinner. I should have taken some home to share with Rosie at work. At least that would be something to blog about.

The Experiment

Yesterday I took a day off, just to test my theory of dieting all week and eating on the weekend. I started eating early Sunday morning and I mean real early. I dropped off Mandy after Zach’s concert around 11:30 PM and then waited until right after midnight to go to White Castle. No I don't consider that cheating. The place was packed with a whole bunch of odd looking people both in front and behind the counter. I never saw so many weird hairnets in my life. At any rate the three burgers and soda that I had was the least I ever ordered at White Castle, but then again I am on a diet. A little bit later in the day I went to Meryl’s brother’s house for Mother’s Day (You ever wonder why people don't celebrate Brother's Day?) where I ate all day long. Everything was great but the only reason I ate was to test my theory. The things I do for science. Wouldn't it be amazing if this actually worked? Well I'll will see next week if this works, and if it does, I know what I will be doing for Father's Day. Anyway back to the diet on Monday.

The Weigh In

For those of you who have been awaiting the results of my weigh in with bated breath (and I have been meaning to talk to some of you about that bated breath) you need not wait any longer. I lost 3.8 pounds last week thanks mainly to this blog any my desire to avoid the scarlet ridicule letter. It’s bad enough to gain weight but to gain weight after writing about losing it all week long is not the mark that I don’t want to walk around for the next seven days.

Also just to make it easy for those of you whose mood prevents you from reading anything I have added a summary to my blog, detailing my downward progress. I promise to keep it accurate and I also promise to try not to break this promise.

As for my still to be proven formula of dieting all week and going off for one or two meals during the weekend this Saturday was veal parmigiana at Cirella’s which I didn’t even finish, some bread and butter which was just beyond awesome and a soda. Yes you heard it here first (or actually read it here first assuming you are the first person to have read this) I didn’t even have one drink. The last time that didn’t happen on a Saturday night was …. well actually I can’t remember, so I guess my mantra for this morning is that I didn’t do it!!!

Déjà vu All Over Again

Last night I ate at a Diner which naturally brought on a flashback of the first time I ever had sex, a mere 45 years ago. I am sure it will surprise my avid followers to learn that when I was a kid I was not nearly as handsome and attractive as I am now and I am sure it will equally surprise you to learn that I might have been the last kid my age in all of Brooklyn in the mid sixties who had not yet had sex. Needless to say the anxiety and anticipation leading up to even the possibility of such an occurrence was incredible. Well (as the song goes) one fine day the opportunity arose with a friend of mine and it actually (okay briefly) happened. And afterward when I uttered my first and only lie with no clothes on (which was of course - Was it as good for you as it was for me?) I remember saying to myself – this was not that good at all. (I have a feeling my 15 second partner felt the same way). But later that night I remember also saying to myself, “I did it” and the morning after was one of my great moments of all time since what I did was still sinking in. Well flashing forward 45 years later I had the same feeling last night as well as this morning.

It all started out with Meryl calling telling me she wanted to go out to a Diner on Friday Night. Can you imagine asking me to eat out on the night before a weigh in know that the only bill power I ever display is at work? I should have told her no but since one of main reasons that I have been so successful with women during my life was my unending desire to accommodate them in any way possible, I said yes causing me to dread the upcoming ride to the diner. The anxiety was palatable. I knew that just the smell of all those cheeseburgers around me was going to drive me crazy at the very least and cause me to fail in all liklihood. I started doubting my manhood as I didn’t think I could do it. It was so bad that I had to ask for tips from the Kevster (a name that only I and someone who he once fired named Margo uses) on what to eat and since he is a guy that knows something about everything he gave me a number of great ideas. Needless to say the menu didn’t have any of those recommendations (something he probably knew in advance. Instead the menu did have the dreaded words “ Diet Delights” At any rate I ended up eating grilled chicken, steamed broccoli and a diet soda. It was just like 45 years ago, just as unsatisfying (even if it was longer in duration) but when I left the diner it hit me. I did it!!!! And this morning when I woke up the first thing that came to my mind was exactly what I thought about back then, I really did it!! And when you think about it, isn’t doing it all that ever counts?

What about the weigh in you ask? Well you are going to have to stay tuned until tomorrow as I only do one post a day, least I start getting obsessive over this.

Passed With Flying Colors

Today I received my first real bb (blog benefit - not to be confused with “Capital” BB which is the name of one my biggest admirers) when, in honor of Marilyn’s return from serving on the O.J jury in Nuremberg, huge platters of Italian Cold Cuts including sandwiches, salads, potatoes, cookies and other similar foods was ordered from Bon Appetite at work. Their food is always awesome, everyone loves it and one of the hardest things to do is eat a turkey salad when everyone else is enjoying themselves. So out of an entire office only one person had bill-power and that was me. If I wasn’t blogging and wasn’t worried about writing about my own short comings I would have joined in the orgy as well, particularly when (Capital) BB stuck the cookies right under my nose. And just to set the record straight when I refer to “my own short comings” I refer to food only.

My First Test

Well I had my first bill-power (also known as will power) test last night and I am not sure if I passed. Last night I was meeting my daughters for dinner and since eating out during the week is always a major hurdle for my taste buds this was going to be a major obstacle to overcome. The eating part is actually easy, the eating healthy part is where I generally fail. Anyway since Danielle was going to be there along with Mandy, it didn’t look like that hard of a task since Danielle only eats at the pizza place or a diner and at both places I can get a (kind of) decent tasting balsamic salad with grilled chicken without feeling too deprived. However Danielle abandoned us to meet some dude (can you imagine that?) and that actually left Mandy and me with the strange opportunity to eat at anyplace we wanted. With this rare opportunity there was no way that we were going to eat pizza or at a diner. So in honor Cinco De Mayo we ran as fast as we could (just in case Danielle dumped the guy) to Café Espanol in Hewlett where I had paella valenciana and Mandy had some unrecognizable Spanish vegetarian dish. Now I know I should have followed her lead but there is a limit to my own billpower. Now the question is did I fall off the wagon or was this a successful meal out? So I will let my many followers be the judge of that.

Well I just heard from Suuue who recorded the first and only opinion on this most important issue. She actually gave me a positive grade although clearly that was not her intention. Needless to say she could have gone with the being proud of your incredible will power line but unfortunately she chose the expected well if you wouldn’t have eaten like a pig for so many years you could have eaten whatever you liked line. But positive feedback is a good thing so I will just ignore her minor negativity here.

Fate, Hope and Infirmary

I am not one of these people who believe in fate even though maybe I should. After all when I am getting close to get off the road on a highway, there is always traffic slowing down in the right lane when it’s too late to pass without missing the exit. I also miss every light when I am in a hurry and always get stuck at a railroad crossing when I have to get to a bathroom. (That really pisses me off). So maybe I should believe in fate, but foolishly I don’t. However the events of yesterday is causing me to re-evaluate my non-belief. The key to losing weight is diet and exercise and in my zeal to maximize my ability to exercise I now belong to three gyms. Since my back was hurting on Monday and Tuesday, today was going to be my return to the gym day so naturally yesterday I pulled my left hamstring doing virtually nothing. So, no gym today, but a lot of pain. It sucks to get old. But I am glad that I still don’t believe in fate since, if I did,, the idea that fate was against me and I was getting old, would make today a very depressing day.

Speaking about depressing, the doubting Thomas’ at work were all in my grill concerning eating a salad for three days in a row. According to them what I eat is boring. R was downright angry at my choice of foods, BB was angry that I never vary my choice, and Suuue was just downright angry. If this is what my friends have to say, imagine what my enemies would say (assuming I had enemies).

On the Road Again

Well yesterday was my first real day of my diet and I actually did well. Breakfast bars for breakfast (makes sense) turkey salad for lunch, popcorn for a snack and chicken burgers and veggies for supper - oops dinner (I have been told no one calls it supper any more) plus fruit. This was easy and just think only 11 months and 29 days more to go.

Day Two (Or is it Day One)

Well here I am on the first day after the first day which I will call Day 1.1. I joined the gym called Retro Fitness in Deer Park which means that today I actually belong to three gyms. The people who were working out at this gym yesterday all looked awesome and I am sure that some day I will be a welcome addition. Right now I am just a big addition. Anyway tomorrow morning at 5:15 AM the games will be begin. I should go today but I am too tired from eating at Lugers yesterday. What a start.

Well here I am typing to myself, at least for now, taking my first step on a thousand mile journey (okay 2,000 miles) to lose weight. My friends and critics at work don't believe I can do it and they have already started to criticize me before I started. Suuue, R and JT have already weighed in (so to speak) on their bleak outlook for my success and BB is already ordering me a bagel and cream cheese for my first failure. I can just see Suuue now with her neck in a spasm the first time I bring up the topic of my incredible will power. R already pointed out that in the past I only told her about the losses and never the gain and BB has already told me that I should not even try as after all I am already old so what's the big deal about being fat. Only JT has been supportive but that's easy for a guy who is about my height and virtually half my weight. Not that I can blame them all as I have failed once or twice in the past. But this time it's different, because I am going to blog about it. At least Meryl believes I can do it, at least I think she does.

So here I am on day one having joined Weight Watchers for the 200th time and weighing in at a svelte 237 pounds and here I am taking my first diversion by going to Peter Luger's tonight with Meryl and two good (and thin) friends Lynn and Mike. That's right I am going to start right after my last great meal as the memory will keep me going.