A New Definition of Friendship

This past eight days has been a learning experience for me. It started with last Saturday when I learned I was the heaviest I have even been in my life and trust me for a guy with big feet that's no small feat. I then learned that no one, and I mean no one, believes me when I say that this time I am staying on my diet for good. When we found out that there were no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq 20% of the population still believed President Bush. When virtually every accredited scientist attested to the fact that there is a huge problem with global warming 25% of the population did not believe them. (If you only count Republicans the figure is substantially higher) and when President Clinton said that he did not have sexual relations with Miss Lewinsky even Hillary seemed to believe him, but me, honest as the day is long Bill Kain, no one believes. But of all the things I learned this week, the one that stands out in my mind is the new meaning of friendship. Starting with my good "stoop shouldered" friend Jeff who pointed out that I now have jowls on my jowls, to my great friend AV who referred to me affectionately as a "fat f...." nine times this week (breaking her previous record by two FFs) to Sue who rolled her eyes into her head upon hearing about my diet down to my third world country like emaciated friend Vinny who rolled his eyes in to Sue's eyes they all poo-pooed my latest effort. Only Meryl stood by me (although probably not as close as she would have liked to stand). Yep I learned that a synonym for friendship is ridicule and I can't wait to add that definition to Wikipedia so that everyone can learn it.

Back After A Brief Hiatus

When I last left everyone I was down to 223 lbs. I still had a long way to go but I had lost 14 pounds and I thought it was easy. Then a cruise came along so I took off the week before and three weeks after and then a wedding in Cancun where I repeated my winning formula of weight loss and gain and then September came along. Actually nothing really happened in September other than I just kept eating straight through to Thanksgiving. when I finally got back on scale. And as Claude Rains once said, I was shocked .. shocked that there was gambling in his establishment and weight back in my stomach. So now before a join a family of Goodyear blimps I am back to dieting for good. This time I really mean it. And for those of you who believed me the last twelve times when I really meant it, this time you, finally, I won't disappoint you. And you can be sure of that since 13 was always my lucky number.

WHY COULDN'T SHE LIE TO ME?

Now I know that losing .8 of a pound is better than gaining weight, better than gaining .8 of a pound and is clearly better than staying the same weight, but it seems worse. I am convinced that the key to dieting, in addition to the actual diet and exercise, is your mental frame of mind to keep going. Mentally I believe I could diet forever or until I reach my goal , whichever comes first, as long as I lose at least a pound a week. But what the heck is .8 of pound? It's a lot like a tie in Hockey or kissing your sister. It's not bad, there are a lot worse things in life, but its not good either. That's how I feel. Now if I didn't lose any weight or if I gained weight I know I would have to deal with that psychological impact as well, but if you don't come close, you should have to deal with it. But for .2 of a pound, I have to feel bad. I was so close to being a contender. Why couldn't the WeightWatcher lady lie to me and tell me I lost a pound? If I asked her if she liked my new shirt I am sure she would have said yes even though I know it's hideous. So clearly she is not beyond lying. So why couldn't she lie to me? It would have meant so little to her and so much to me. Typical of my luck - meeting honest people.

The End of Spring Training

Just like Baseball has an extended spring training to test things out before the real season starts, fat for now but soon to be thin bloggers have the same thing. During my spring training I found that I could blog and lose weight at a decent pace but now I am ready for the real season. Of course I didn't think I was in spring training until the tsunami of all dieting failures hit me and that of course was the cursed "Cruise" One would think that a man with my incredible will power could resist this tropical food storm, but I caved in worse than Rush Limbaugh at a Viagra convention. The cruise was "just" eight days, but my downfall started a week before since why diet when you know you are going to eat anyway. Well that did lead up to eight of the best eating days I ever had. If you don't count sleep and since when did sleep ever count, the meals were longer than the periods between the meals. And naturally as the expert dieter that I am, I knew that to get back to dieting, I had to ween myself off of eating enormous meals by taking the following week to eat just large meals with no exercise. It's a proven method believe me. And yes it worked. When I finally ended my three week interruption I found that I only gained nine pounds. Only three pounds a week as I like to look at it. So it was back to the diet and as I like to think of it, now on to the start of my regular season. And how did I do during my first week (of diet and exercise) of the regular season, you might ask? Glad you asked - better than Roger Clemons on steroids, I lost 6.4 pounds which even impressed the Weightwatcher lady with the large cleavage who takes my weight each week as I pretend to stare down at the counter. What a week.

Back With A Vengeance

Don’t feel bad. You’re not the only one to come up to me this week and ask why they didn’t see my blog last week. (The mere fact that I gained .2 pounds the week before while dieting had nothing to do with it.) In fact my absence was all I heard from my loyal followers for the last week and a half. More to the point, with Congressmen apologizing to BP, tea partiers holding ugly conventions all over the country, stupid Generals getting fired, Russian spies, chubby Supreme Court nominees and potential leaders such as Sarah Palin being off by more than 2,000 miles in talking about where Ronald Regan went to college, one would think that there is enough troubling things in this country without my minions worrying about my blog, but I guess, other than my diet successes everything else was too depressing to concentrate on. . So cheer up, I lost 2.4 pounds last week by taking a truly unorthodox approach – diet and exercise. What an incredible idea! And more importantly what truly good news in a sea of misery. I think I might just write a book about it.

Another Week, Another Pound

Sometimes there is just nothing funny to say but when you lose weight who cares? Another week another pound. If I can keep this up for just a year my good friend Jeff will finally have to stop referring to me as John Goodman. I was about to say that that would wipe the smile off of his face, but anyone who knows Jeff knows that he hasn’t smiled since Rose let Jack fade away in the Titanic. In addition to the sinking of a great ocean liner that movie had a second happy ending for Jeff though when Rose, as an old lady, threw away Jack’s diamond ring instead of giving it to her granddaughter is who cared for her for so many years. But enough of my “Happy Days” friend.

And as for my own weight losing theory, it seems to be working. You can eat during the weekend and diet and exercise during the week and still lose weight. Cajin food on Saturday at “Bourbon Street” and Italian Food at "Daniellas" on Sunday both in Manhattan and I still lost a pound. My big test was Wednesday when a Long Island Dealership brought in Zorn’s for the entire office. Imagine Spare Ribs, Fried Chicken, Mashed Potatoes with Gravy and other awesome food and I all I had was the steamed broccoli. To me that is such torture that Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly will probably be advocating it to replace water boarding for our enemies as soon as they read my blog. Is that Will Power or what? No wonder my mother named me Will(ie). And just like Barrack Obama’s mother knew that one day he would grow up to be President causing her to get a phony Hawaiian birth certificate for him, my mother knew that one day I would grow up to have unprecedented will power inducing her to name me appropriately. I just don't understand why she gave me the middle name of "Harold" instead of "Power". But, on the bright side, at least she didn't name me Jeff.

See I told you I had nothing funny to say, but then losing a pound is better than being funny, at least for this week.

Two Stars Three Pickles and Ten Pounds

So much for last week’s blog which was posted this week. Another week and another two pounds and this was only a four day week since I stuffed myself on Memorial Day. And how did I do it, you may ask (and I know that is exactly what you are all asking)? Foul - Jim and of course Pickles. Turkey and Chicken for lunch and supper, exercise at 5 AM each morning and my favorite diminishing returns green food at night. And just for the record, I do know how to spell “fowl” and “gym” but I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. And to set the record even more straight, there is no way I would get up 5 AM any morning to see anyone named Jim. I am in a committed relationship with Meryl and besides I don’t even like the name Jim, although if I did there is still no way I would be sweating with him at 5 AM or anytime for that matter. That is not to say that there would be anything wrong with that if that were my proclivity. So sorry Puphal and sorry to all those scandalous insiders who don’t recognize a confident secure densely challenged man when they see one.

Well enough of being silly. Since I started this blog I lost ten pounds and today I got my second Gold Star from Weightwatchers. Soon I will be signing autographs. Lastly Happy Birthday to my sister Blanche, who, along with my mother and father, has always been thin. Where did I go wrong?

Pickles- Part II

One of the problems of getting old besides the obvious one is that you forget things that to you seemed so important that you could not possibly conceive of ever forgetting them and that’s what happened to me with the issue of Pickles. I lost two pounds eating three pickles a night after dinner last week, with the first tasting really good, the second okay and the third just passable enough to stop eating more. I then brilliantly developed an entire routine involving pickles since bringing humor to my loyal silent followers is of paramount importance to me. But I can’t remember one thing I thought about even thought it was hilarious (I think). I then figured that since I teased everyone last week about pickles maybe I could get some good ideas on that topic from Wikipedia. But can you believe that after identifying pickles as a food, there is no more information about it. They got entries about everything in this world at Wikipedia including pot holes in Dix Hills but nothing on Pickles. As a result if you go to Wikipedia in the next few days and you see some entries there about pickles and appetite suppressors, thanks to my blog you will know the author. How depressing will that be?

One more thing about being old which has nothing to do with food (other than the after-effects) is why do young people (BB in particular) refer to us as Old Farts as in “you are an old fart anyway so why do you have to lose weight”? Where does the fart part come in? If someone just turned 21 do you refer to them as a young fart? And if you did, is being a young one less odious than an old one? Does it make you want to go out to give them a can of beans and then hang out with them after they have eaten? I don’t get the reference and until I do get it I will continue to use all my calorie burning energy in search of the answer to that most of all important question.

Pickles, Pickles, Pickles

Off to Mandy's Graduation. Blog to follow in the next few days. Sorry to keep my loyal follower(s) waiting. But then again this is a weight blog. (I got a million of them)

Coming Soon - 2014

I was going to name this week’s blog – I blame this on Meryl - since she was away in Las Vegas forcing me (yes I said forcing me) to eat out or bring in Subway each night. When I lived alone in Brooklyn I had no problems cooking but with Roland creating bathrooms wherever he went I kept getting that old Cooking in Calcutta feeling so I had to do something different other than going to that new Dehli down the block. The result of all this was an amazing breakfast that I would have never had, an awesome cheeseburger deluxe with beer (it was an excuse to eat raw onions and not offend anyone) a visit to my good friend Nathan where I stayed too long, rotini pasta salad for lunch, (after all she was not there to remind me to take my salad in the morning) two -foot long roast beef sandwiches, a 900 calalorie meal Wednesday at Fridays, Swiss Cheese every night since I had to hide Roland's medicine in it and I couldn't let him eat it alone and only one day of exercise. Yes this was a rough week – all Meryl’s fault of course, but I still lost 2 tenth’s of a pound and that actually is progress. I then realized if my goal is to lose 50 pounds, then by early 2014 I should get there. So how could I blame Meryl for that? And for the first time in two years, I can’t even blame Roland.

My Favorite Song

The Gold Star

This was an amazing week where I really tested my theory of dieting on week days only since during the week I wasn’t perfect either. The week started off at 1 minute past midnight on Sunday morning at White Castle, continued to an all day non stop eating festival on Mother’s Day and ended with crackers all week long. I am doing well with my daily bars for breakfast, turkey salad for lunch and chicken burgers and vegetables at night. The only bad part about it is the part where everyone, who could lose a pound or two themselves, tells me that eating the same thing every day is boring. Apparently what they eat is exciting. I want to tell them that I know so many boring people in this world that I have been conditioned to accept boredom in the same way that I accept air, involuntarily, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings since boring people are usually insecure as well. Now you might say that by blogging about this here I am telling that to them indirectly, but by reading my blog you automatically remove yourself from the valley of the boring, so none of this applies to any of you (with just a couple of exceptions).

But I digress. The problem I had this week (besides an amazing half sandwich from Farmer Joel’s) was crackers. Dinner, while decent, was not filling enough so I went hunting for something extra in the house. Something like my mother used to do before Passover. Again I digress. Since I got rid of all the potato chips, ice cream and pretzels, I had to find something and I came across the always boring Keebler’s crackers. On Tuesday I had five, Wednesday 10 and on Thursday I had so many that I dropped half the pack since I couldn’t carry them all. Roland ended up having 15, (By the way is anyone interested in a cracker eating dog?). Since my weigh in was Saturday and almost certain ridicule from my exciting friends awaited me on Monday I avoided the crackers like a plague Friday night. It was pure torture. Well Saturday did come finally and I actually lost 1.2 pounds with my boring work week food and crackers. All told I lost five pounds in two weeks and WeightWatchers gave me a gold star. Some people crack themselves up, it looks like I cracked myself down. And next week I am going to get real serious. But that will only happen if I find some serious exciting snack food for the evening.

Yo Rosie

Well my good friend Rosie (no not the one who lives in Corona but the one from LIC) got mad at me for not mentioning her in my blog. I tried to explain to her that this was a food only blog, but fat chance that she would buy that. So even though I can’t even think of a connection here to food I just wanted to say - Yo Rosie!!!

Speaking about this blog Danielle called me to have to dinner tonight on the condition that I didn’t mention her in my blog (How can one person know two such polar opposite people?) but I told her that there was no way I could do that and she accepted that. Meryl met us and we went to the Cheese Cake Factory in another test of my will power. Last week’s "eat out" menu had the words “Diet Delight” on it which was horrible enough but this menu was even worse. They actually had a selection called “Weight Management Grilled Chicken” which turned out to be grilled chicken, tomatoes and leaves. Meryl said it was Arugula but believe me it was nothing more than leaves and I don’t mean something with a leafy substance I mean something that Smokey the Bear would step on while putting out a forest fire. Nothing like eating chicken and leaves for dinner. I should have taken some home to share with Rosie at work. At least that would be something to blog about.

The Experiment

Yesterday I took a day off, just to test my theory of dieting all week and eating on the weekend. I started eating early Sunday morning and I mean real early. I dropped off Mandy after Zach’s concert around 11:30 PM and then waited until right after midnight to go to White Castle. No I don't consider that cheating. The place was packed with a whole bunch of odd looking people both in front and behind the counter. I never saw so many weird hairnets in my life. At any rate the three burgers and soda that I had was the least I ever ordered at White Castle, but then again I am on a diet. A little bit later in the day I went to Meryl’s brother’s house for Mother’s Day (You ever wonder why people don't celebrate Brother's Day?) where I ate all day long. Everything was great but the only reason I ate was to test my theory. The things I do for science. Wouldn't it be amazing if this actually worked? Well I'll will see next week if this works, and if it does, I know what I will be doing for Father's Day. Anyway back to the diet on Monday.

The Weigh In

For those of you who have been awaiting the results of my weigh in with bated breath (and I have been meaning to talk to some of you about that bated breath) you need not wait any longer. I lost 3.8 pounds last week thanks mainly to this blog any my desire to avoid the scarlet ridicule letter. It’s bad enough to gain weight but to gain weight after writing about losing it all week long is not the mark that I don’t want to walk around for the next seven days.

Also just to make it easy for those of you whose mood prevents you from reading anything I have added a summary to my blog, detailing my downward progress. I promise to keep it accurate and I also promise to try not to break this promise.

As for my still to be proven formula of dieting all week and going off for one or two meals during the weekend this Saturday was veal parmigiana at Cirella’s which I didn’t even finish, some bread and butter which was just beyond awesome and a soda. Yes you heard it here first (or actually read it here first assuming you are the first person to have read this) I didn’t even have one drink. The last time that didn’t happen on a Saturday night was …. well actually I can’t remember, so I guess my mantra for this morning is that I didn’t do it!!!

Déjà vu All Over Again

Last night I ate at a Diner which naturally brought on a flashback of the first time I ever had sex, a mere 45 years ago. I am sure it will surprise my avid followers to learn that when I was a kid I was not nearly as handsome and attractive as I am now and I am sure it will equally surprise you to learn that I might have been the last kid my age in all of Brooklyn in the mid sixties who had not yet had sex. Needless to say the anxiety and anticipation leading up to even the possibility of such an occurrence was incredible. Well (as the song goes) one fine day the opportunity arose with a friend of mine and it actually (okay briefly) happened. And afterward when I uttered my first and only lie with no clothes on (which was of course - Was it as good for you as it was for me?) I remember saying to myself – this was not that good at all. (I have a feeling my 15 second partner felt the same way). But later that night I remember also saying to myself, “I did it” and the morning after was one of my great moments of all time since what I did was still sinking in. Well flashing forward 45 years later I had the same feeling last night as well as this morning.

It all started out with Meryl calling telling me she wanted to go out to a Diner on Friday Night. Can you imagine asking me to eat out on the night before a weigh in know that the only bill power I ever display is at work? I should have told her no but since one of main reasons that I have been so successful with women during my life was my unending desire to accommodate them in any way possible, I said yes causing me to dread the upcoming ride to the diner. The anxiety was palatable. I knew that just the smell of all those cheeseburgers around me was going to drive me crazy at the very least and cause me to fail in all liklihood. I started doubting my manhood as I didn’t think I could do it. It was so bad that I had to ask for tips from the Kevster (a name that only I and someone who he once fired named Margo uses) on what to eat and since he is a guy that knows something about everything he gave me a number of great ideas. Needless to say the menu didn’t have any of those recommendations (something he probably knew in advance. Instead the menu did have the dreaded words “ Diet Delights” At any rate I ended up eating grilled chicken, steamed broccoli and a diet soda. It was just like 45 years ago, just as unsatisfying (even if it was longer in duration) but when I left the diner it hit me. I did it!!!! And this morning when I woke up the first thing that came to my mind was exactly what I thought about back then, I really did it!! And when you think about it, isn’t doing it all that ever counts?

What about the weigh in you ask? Well you are going to have to stay tuned until tomorrow as I only do one post a day, least I start getting obsessive over this.

Passed With Flying Colors

Today I received my first real bb (blog benefit - not to be confused with “Capital” BB which is the name of one my biggest admirers) when, in honor of Marilyn’s return from serving on the O.J jury in Nuremberg, huge platters of Italian Cold Cuts including sandwiches, salads, potatoes, cookies and other similar foods was ordered from Bon Appetite at work. Their food is always awesome, everyone loves it and one of the hardest things to do is eat a turkey salad when everyone else is enjoying themselves. So out of an entire office only one person had bill-power and that was me. If I wasn’t blogging and wasn’t worried about writing about my own short comings I would have joined in the orgy as well, particularly when (Capital) BB stuck the cookies right under my nose. And just to set the record straight when I refer to “my own short comings” I refer to food only.

My First Test

Well I had my first bill-power (also known as will power) test last night and I am not sure if I passed. Last night I was meeting my daughters for dinner and since eating out during the week is always a major hurdle for my taste buds this was going to be a major obstacle to overcome. The eating part is actually easy, the eating healthy part is where I generally fail. Anyway since Danielle was going to be there along with Mandy, it didn’t look like that hard of a task since Danielle only eats at the pizza place or a diner and at both places I can get a (kind of) decent tasting balsamic salad with grilled chicken without feeling too deprived. However Danielle abandoned us to meet some dude (can you imagine that?) and that actually left Mandy and me with the strange opportunity to eat at anyplace we wanted. With this rare opportunity there was no way that we were going to eat pizza or at a diner. So in honor Cinco De Mayo we ran as fast as we could (just in case Danielle dumped the guy) to Café Espanol in Hewlett where I had paella valenciana and Mandy had some unrecognizable Spanish vegetarian dish. Now I know I should have followed her lead but there is a limit to my own billpower. Now the question is did I fall off the wagon or was this a successful meal out? So I will let my many followers be the judge of that.

Well I just heard from Suuue who recorded the first and only opinion on this most important issue. She actually gave me a positive grade although clearly that was not her intention. Needless to say she could have gone with the being proud of your incredible will power line but unfortunately she chose the expected well if you wouldn’t have eaten like a pig for so many years you could have eaten whatever you liked line. But positive feedback is a good thing so I will just ignore her minor negativity here.

Fate, Hope and Infirmary

I am not one of these people who believe in fate even though maybe I should. After all when I am getting close to get off the road on a highway, there is always traffic slowing down in the right lane when it’s too late to pass without missing the exit. I also miss every light when I am in a hurry and always get stuck at a railroad crossing when I have to get to a bathroom. (That really pisses me off). So maybe I should believe in fate, but foolishly I don’t. However the events of yesterday is causing me to re-evaluate my non-belief. The key to losing weight is diet and exercise and in my zeal to maximize my ability to exercise I now belong to three gyms. Since my back was hurting on Monday and Tuesday, today was going to be my return to the gym day so naturally yesterday I pulled my left hamstring doing virtually nothing. So, no gym today, but a lot of pain. It sucks to get old. But I am glad that I still don’t believe in fate since, if I did,, the idea that fate was against me and I was getting old, would make today a very depressing day.

Speaking about depressing, the doubting Thomas’ at work were all in my grill concerning eating a salad for three days in a row. According to them what I eat is boring. R was downright angry at my choice of foods, BB was angry that I never vary my choice, and Suuue was just downright angry. If this is what my friends have to say, imagine what my enemies would say (assuming I had enemies).

On the Road Again

Well yesterday was my first real day of my diet and I actually did well. Breakfast bars for breakfast (makes sense) turkey salad for lunch, popcorn for a snack and chicken burgers and veggies for supper - oops dinner (I have been told no one calls it supper any more) plus fruit. This was easy and just think only 11 months and 29 days more to go.

Day Two (Or is it Day One)

Well here I am on the first day after the first day which I will call Day 1.1. I joined the gym called Retro Fitness in Deer Park which means that today I actually belong to three gyms. The people who were working out at this gym yesterday all looked awesome and I am sure that some day I will be a welcome addition. Right now I am just a big addition. Anyway tomorrow morning at 5:15 AM the games will be begin. I should go today but I am too tired from eating at Lugers yesterday. What a start.

Well here I am typing to myself, at least for now, taking my first step on a thousand mile journey (okay 2,000 miles) to lose weight. My friends and critics at work don't believe I can do it and they have already started to criticize me before I started. Suuue, R and JT have already weighed in (so to speak) on their bleak outlook for my success and BB is already ordering me a bagel and cream cheese for my first failure. I can just see Suuue now with her neck in a spasm the first time I bring up the topic of my incredible will power. R already pointed out that in the past I only told her about the losses and never the gain and BB has already told me that I should not even try as after all I am already old so what's the big deal about being fat. Only JT has been supportive but that's easy for a guy who is about my height and virtually half my weight. Not that I can blame them all as I have failed once or twice in the past. But this time it's different, because I am going to blog about it. At least Meryl believes I can do it, at least I think she does.

So here I am on day one having joined Weight Watchers for the 200th time and weighing in at a svelte 237 pounds and here I am taking my first diversion by going to Peter Luger's tonight with Meryl and two good (and thin) friends Lynn and Mike. That's right I am going to start right after my last great meal as the memory will keep me going.